No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
