I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
two words: eviction party
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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