just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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