Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
