I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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