Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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