Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
