i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
