Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
