just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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