Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Randomize
