I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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