so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
