I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
