Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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