This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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