I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
