i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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