Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
