it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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