I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
