her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Its about making memories worth repressing
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
