If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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