im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I look better un-naked...
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It's blow job season.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
