I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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