I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
