nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
