Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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