the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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