How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
