im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I will be naked everywhere
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
