you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
