You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
