Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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