remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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