I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
