dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
