I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
