How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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