I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
