Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
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I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
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Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize