I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
