Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
