Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
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She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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