It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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