wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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