my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA