I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
These 25 Teachers Said Horrible Things to Their Students
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?