I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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