He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
