So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
