I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
