things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i wish my penis had a tongue
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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