the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
it glows. i had to have it.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
