Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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