hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
