I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
