now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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