Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
